I read your article about why men look at other women and tried to get my head around it. I find it impossible to get my head around the concept that it is okay for men to be mentally unfaithful while in a loving relationship when it is so hurtful for women to do the same.
I have asked my boyfriend of 3 and a half years: if I got off on another man while having sex with him would it bother him. I wonder why it bothers men when women do it but they feel quite justified to do it themselves with little or no conscience? Being devoted to a person is a choice. The level of that devotion is variable and sometimes unacceptable. I am completely devoted to my boyfriend, but he occasionally looks at pictures of other women and of course I know that he gets off on those other women.
There is no way in the world I can compete physically with those women in the pictures he gets off on. I am quite desperate to get my head around exactly what it is the drives a man to give into the same desires that I myself deliberately avoid for the sake of devotion. Why do men generally make the conscious choice NOT to focus on one woman??
There are times my libido is so high and my partner does not feel like being intimate. I look away and I think of my boyfriend deliberately after, to bring my focus back in to the man I love. What is so hard about doing that? I appreciate your long, thoughtful email outlining your feelings. There should not. My wife — who was selling tickets up front — wholeheartedly agreed. If she had brought the same thing up first, should I have been upset? My wife has eyes. It was notable how many hot guys were in attendance.
We have been happily married for 10 years and we were going home together. Why would I get bent out of shape at that? I know there have been other men in the past. I know there are other men who are more visually appealing taller, younger, fitter, etc wherever we go. So why would I spend any time driving myself crazy because my wife still finds other men attractive and is flattered when they find her attractive?
He DOES love you. He IS devoted to you. He is not running off with a Kardashian or a porn star or a cute girl at the grocery store. All of your feelings around this, Bel, are just that: feelings. First of all, he IS focused on you.
You said it yourself. You admitted you find other men sexy, which means it should be normal for him to find other women sexy. Anyway, my dear Bel, I know you feel very deeply about this issue, but all I can do is point out that you can only change your behavior.
No one said you were ugly. No one is asking you to Photoshop yourself. No one is intentionally hurting your self-esteem. Not an insult. Not an attack. And certainly not cheating. Believe me when I tell you that looking not leering, not acting out with a real-life person is not the equivalent of cheating. Once you let go of these damaging beliefs, you can finally relax and be happy with your boyfriend. Hold onto these beliefs and you know exactly how things are going to end. I struggle with similar issues, Bel. Except my boyfriend follows those hot, sexy models on instagram who post pics of their butts in the air or their nipples showing.
SUPER annoying. I am confident of who I am, what I look like, and what I bring to the table, but even the most confident woman must struggle, like I do, with the thought that her BF is looking at half naked pics of models casually all day long — and, like you mention, the effects that might have on his view of you at the end of the day. Personally, if I had it my way, guys would unfollow all those instamodels as soon as they are in a relationship, much like they delete bumble and tinder.
BUT, my boyfriend has started following a few even after we got together. At first, I was pretty livid about it. We have decades of feeling inadequate at every corner, and society putting so much pressure on us to fit a certain image that these insta models fit. Keep your heads up ladies.
This is my case. I am not even allowed to speak to a member of the opposite sex benignly at work without my husband actively being confrontational, and down right scary, but he has a ton of women on his Insta, all over snap chat, and he is constantly chatting up all the women at work, even talking to them online and over the phone after hours. Sometimes people just fucking suck.
This poor girl. The whole time I was reading her email I wanted to pat her on the head and cluck gently. It sounds like it was written by a child, or at least someone very young. When I was in my early 20s, I used to think this way. To assume that every person who watches porn is immediately going to want to go out and hump a stranger is ridiculous.
If someone is in a devoted, loving, monogamous relationship, they have generally made a conscious decision that that is what they want. Moreover, Bel, you must understand that, while men and women are equal, we are not the same. If it is true that men need to understand that women are more emotionally based, then women need to understand that men are more visually based.
This is especially true in the case of porn. To assume that your man must not love you or be devoted to you if he occasionally looks at porn or pictures of other women is absurd. It is a passing stimulation which means absolutely nothing. He will probably not even remember it a couple of hours later, never mind the next day. Women enjoy discussing feelings, relationships and other people; men enjoy looking at pictures. As many men have attested on this blog, a man can sleep with a woman and not even like her.
Similarly, there are no feelings or desire whatsoever for the women in the pictures or the porn beyond the visual stimulation to get his rocks off in that moment. None whatsoever.
When I realised this — that a man choosing to be in a relationship with me was giving his heart to me, which is something he would never, in a million years, give to any of the women in the pictures or videos — I stopped worrying about porn altogether.
She can find the type of man she wants, the kind who avoids looking at any attractive woman in reality, in a magazine or in a movie.
I know a few men like that. IMO, these men are so dull, insane, fanatical and, frankly, creepy, that I have nightmares just thinking how life with them might look like. So, when you want absolute devotion, including mental devotion, whatever that means, be careful what you wish for. You might end up being called Mother.
What if some of us want a man who only has eyes for us? Dull and fanatical is the opposite of romanticism, which implies inagination and a free spirit. In order to be romantic, a man needs a certain openness and sensibility to femininity and feminine charms, and if he can notice them in one woman, he will soon notice that other women possess them too.
This is not an apology of men leering at other women or being disrespectful by comparing his woman negatively to other women. Not at all. And the Puritans are the opposite of romantics.. I just happen to believe men can be better than that. The only groups I know of who are fanatical enough to believe that mind control is a good thing are very authoritarian political groups, cults, and extreme religious sects like the Puritans. A man like Mike Pence is attempting to be holy because that is what the Lord expects of us.
Sexual sin is a death by a thousand cuts that often starts with regular porn use. Damn right it would be a big deal.
Says he does, but his actions say otherwise. So I put it to the test. I set up an account on a hookup site now here me out before you impose on your personal opinions. I did not hold anything back I created the account as if j were single.
Just the way he did so about a month prior of my account. I posted sexy pictures, nude pictures, everything. He just found it today, he was very irritated with the thought even angry. Then he added that he only look at parts of them, their smile and mainly facial features. Probably no big deal in moderation. However, I know for myself? This has not happened, thankfully. I do think part of the intimacy of sex is connection. And lack of presence.